About Me

This is the story of a 286-lb. girl, who built a wall of fat to protect herself from the outside world. As a victim of childhood sexual abuse, she is determined to become a strong and healthy SURVIVOR. She built the wall over 10 years ago, but now, it’s DEMO TIME!

My Story

Sexual abuse has been a recurring theme throughout my childhood and adolescence, ranging from molestation at ages 4 and 5 to propositions from grown men as early as age 12. Some of these men knew my age, some didn’t. Some were strangers, some weren’t. Several men I’ve known and trusted throughout the years have betrayed that trust, and I learned at a young age that I just couldn’t trust men anymore. I was safe from no one. The revelation that I could not trust men became even clearer when it hit very close to home.

Between a fairly negative person in my life and the years of sexual abuse and unwanted attention, I just gave up at some point. My first real suicide attempt was at age 16. I just wanted to get away. Realizing I didn’t really want to kill myself,  subconsciously, I made the decision to make myself ugly so it would all just STOP. Guess what? It worked like a charm. Logically, I know that sexual abuse has nothing to do with the attractiveness of the victim. But as a child/young teenager, I didn’t understand this and simply chalked it up to me- there was something wrong with me. Why does this keep happening? What can I do to stop it?  I was about 17 when I started sneaking trips to McDonald’s, throwing away empty cartons and bags of food, eating very little around others but bingeing when I was alone. Sometimes, I’d eat too much and purge.

My teenage years are not times I look back on fondly; I only remember sorrow, and barely escaping with my sanity intact. I finally busted outta there, and did things with my life I didn’t think I wanted to do, let alone could do. For instance, I dropped out of high school, but now have 2 college degrees {going on a third}. Witnessing only miserable relationships, infidelity, lies, divorce and chaos around me, I swore a million ways til’ Tuesday that I would never, ever, never, EVER get married. NEVER. I’ve been happily married to the love of my life for almost 4 years {but we’ve been attached at the hip for 9}.

Why Am I Sharing All Of This?

I’m sharing all of this because I don’t believe that victims {or as I like to say, survivors} of sexual abuse should ever feel ashamed of what has happened to them. Our society is so uptight about all things sexual that we even lump sexual abuse in that category. It’s about wanting to dominate and overpower another person. It’s about someone who gets their jollies from hurting another person. We don’t like to talk openly about it because it might ruffle some feathers. Whose feathers, exactly? For sure, all of the rapists, child molesters and pedophiles out there. Yes, we wouldn’t want to ruffle their feathers, now would we? Eff that. This blog is about my experiences, my weight loss journey and my healing process. I crawled and clawed my way out of a miserable existence to find true, unconditional, PURE love and happiness, and NO ONE is going to censor me! For anyone who has suffered through sexual abuse, please don’t ever let anyone tell you that this is something you should keep quiet about {as if by not talking about, it ceases to exist}. Come forward, tell your story, and rise above. It DOES get better. I have a long way to go, but I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: